Expecting Security

It is utterly important for people to feel secure with what they do most of the time.

The sense of insecurity I felt was killing me.
As I was talking to myself and doing some discovery about myself, I noticed it was because I have too much expectation over myself and I was unable to achieve them. Whether or not this is due to the amount of ego I have, I am not sure. But without expectations people will not grow.
This was the insecurity I feel, about myself, and my dissertation work.

This sense of insecurity has then redirected towards the loved ones. Expecting the loved ones to give more attention and so on. This has then became an additional pressure which was unfair for the loved ones. It turned ugly for a moment.

Now I was able to locate the root cause of my problem. It was the insecurity with my work which is stopping me from doing all the things I want to do. As I realize how much this has affected me, I really need to strive to get this out of the way and out of my mind! It is never easy, but it must be done. It must be.

Not a slacker

I don't want to be a slacker.

The dissertation is killing me. I am having so much negative feelings about my dissertation now. It is like taking so much of my time and it has not really bare much fruits up to this moment.

I lost a place to stay now. I am again back to the point whereby I am not feeling secure, with almost everything.

Feeling insecure about a place of my own.
Feeling insecure about my dissertation.
Feeling insecure about money.
Feeling insecure about relationship.

All these insecurity are somehow turning me into someone whom I am not. People around me has shown concern over this matter. I lost my cool on a lot of thing. I lost my cool.

The weather seems really good outside of the library.
I am in the library trying to do my work.
Trying, trying...

I feel like giving up.
I know I shouldn't. I know it is only 4000 words left. I know it is only a few days of hard work left. Then I could kiss these stress goodbye. I know.

But I don't feel motivated.
It is like I am in the midst of fogs. Even though there should be only that much to go, but I am afraid to move. I feel reluctant to move. I feel old, and sad and everything around me is moving so quickly I can't keep up!

I really should get over this feeling. Instead of stalling here due to some tough issue, I should just keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying!

I need to stop blaming on things. Instead, I should look forward and regain my momentum in doing my work! Sometimes it is okay to miss a few things here and there, what's most important is the ability to prioritize and work towards it.

I need to realign myself towards the swiftly completing the powerful dissertation and then getting the main goal of my one year here in the UK. This is definitely not to be wasted.

Law of attraction. Law of attraction.

Devastating February

February is the shortest month of the year, and it used to be one of the most anticipated months of all. The reason is fairly simple; it is the month of the Chinese New Year and the spring festival, and it is also the month of expressing love, a.k.a. the Valentines’. The case is different for me thou. I could still recall last year’s CNY and Valentines’ day fall on the same day. Even though I get red packets, but I still feel quite lonely. This year is worse. Here I am in Liverpool, UK, without family members, and without anyone possible to fall in love with. My first day of CNY was quite bizarre. I started the day in a Buddhist temple in Manchester at 12am. Repented about the previous year and prayed for the New Year to come. In coincidence, I was interviewed by the BBC in the temple about the importance of paying a visit to the Buddhist temple in the CNY day. It seems to be a good start of the year. Later in the morning, I think I got a couple hours of sleep, and then I rushed from Manchester to Liverpool because I have a class to attend at 10am. After class from 10 to 5, I then rushed to the restaurant to work for the night shift. I was there very eagerly hoping to get red packets from the bosses, but none did. It seems that giving red packets is not a thing in the restaurant, or in the UK. Red packet means a lot to me. It is a symbol of appreciation and a symbol of getting things done smoothly. With only getting one red packet in the UK from the Buddhist temple, things doesn’t go so well. There were quite a lot of mistakes done at work; there were negligence at work and studies; and there were just quite a few misfortunes. Well, I was quite convinced that it was all because of the red packets. It has already happened anyway. What’s done is done and cannot be changed. What we could do is to ponder upon our previous actions and situation, and correct our mindset so that we don’t do the mistake again. Sometimes, it is just what you allow your brain to perceive. Things like this make me miss home. Miss my previous comfort zones. All these really drifted my mind, body and soul away from the main purpose of coming to the UK. Honestly, I haven’t even plan for the rest of the year yet. Have you? I just had a big shopping spree for groceries which is worth more than £40, and I just did the best ever Nasi Lemak I have ever made. These remedies seems to work for me, at least I think I am getting back on my comfort zone already. It is the second last day of February. I am really glad that February is about to end. Now, I should look forward to study intensively for my Master’s, and look forward the arrival of spring and summer in the UK!