Sunday, September 18, 2011

Expecting Security

It is utterly important for people to feel secure with what they do most of the time.

The sense of insecurity I felt was killing me.
As I was talking to myself and doing some discovery about myself, I noticed it was because I have too much expectation over myself and I was unable to achieve them. Whether or not this is due to the amount of ego I have, I am not sure. But without expectations people will not grow.
This was the insecurity I feel, about myself, and my dissertation work.

This sense of insecurity has then redirected towards the loved ones. Expecting the loved ones to give more attention and so on. This has then became an additional pressure which was unfair for the loved ones. It turned ugly for a moment.

Now I was able to locate the root cause of my problem. It was the insecurity with my work which is stopping me from doing all the things I want to do. As I realize how much this has affected me, I really need to strive to get this out of the way and out of my mind! It is never easy, but it must be done. It must be.

Not a slacker

I don't want to be a slacker.

The dissertation is killing me. I am having so much negative feelings about my dissertation now. It is like taking so much of my time and it has not really bare much fruits up to this moment.

I lost a place to stay now. I am again back to the point whereby I am not feeling secure, with almost everything.

Feeling insecure about a place of my own.
Feeling insecure about my dissertation.
Feeling insecure about money.
Feeling insecure about relationship.

All these insecurity are somehow turning me into someone whom I am not. People around me has shown concern over this matter. I lost my cool on a lot of thing. I lost my cool.

The weather seems really good outside of the library.
I am in the library trying to do my work.
Trying, trying...

I feel like giving up.
I know I shouldn't. I know it is only 4000 words left. I know it is only a few days of hard work left. Then I could kiss these stress goodbye. I know.

But I don't feel motivated.
It is like I am in the midst of fogs. Even though there should be only that much to go, but I am afraid to move. I feel reluctant to move. I feel old, and sad and everything around me is moving so quickly I can't keep up!

I really should get over this feeling. Instead of stalling here due to some tough issue, I should just keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying!

I need to stop blaming on things. Instead, I should look forward and regain my momentum in doing my work! Sometimes it is okay to miss a few things here and there, what's most important is the ability to prioritize and work towards it.

I need to realign myself towards the swiftly completing the powerful dissertation and then getting the main goal of my one year here in the UK. This is definitely not to be wasted.

Law of attraction. Law of attraction.