Expecting Security

It is utterly important for people to feel secure with what they do most of the time.

The sense of insecurity I felt was killing me.
As I was talking to myself and doing some discovery about myself, I noticed it was because I have too much expectation over myself and I was unable to achieve them. Whether or not this is due to the amount of ego I have, I am not sure. But without expectations people will not grow.
This was the insecurity I feel, about myself, and my dissertation work.

This sense of insecurity has then redirected towards the loved ones. Expecting the loved ones to give more attention and so on. This has then became an additional pressure which was unfair for the loved ones. It turned ugly for a moment.

Now I was able to locate the root cause of my problem. It was the insecurity with my work which is stopping me from doing all the things I want to do. As I realize how much this has affected me, I really need to strive to get this out of the way and out of my mind! It is never easy, but it must be done. It must be.

Not a slacker

I don't want to be a slacker.

The dissertation is killing me. I am having so much negative feelings about my dissertation now. It is like taking so much of my time and it has not really bare much fruits up to this moment.

I lost a place to stay now. I am again back to the point whereby I am not feeling secure, with almost everything.

Feeling insecure about a place of my own.
Feeling insecure about my dissertation.
Feeling insecure about money.
Feeling insecure about relationship.

All these insecurity are somehow turning me into someone whom I am not. People around me has shown concern over this matter. I lost my cool on a lot of thing. I lost my cool.

The weather seems really good outside of the library.
I am in the library trying to do my work.
Trying, trying...

I feel like giving up.
I know I shouldn't. I know it is only 4000 words left. I know it is only a few days of hard work left. Then I could kiss these stress goodbye. I know.

But I don't feel motivated.
It is like I am in the midst of fogs. Even though there should be only that much to go, but I am afraid to move. I feel reluctant to move. I feel old, and sad and everything around me is moving so quickly I can't keep up!

I really should get over this feeling. Instead of stalling here due to some tough issue, I should just keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying. And keep moving and keep trying!

I need to stop blaming on things. Instead, I should look forward and regain my momentum in doing my work! Sometimes it is okay to miss a few things here and there, what's most important is the ability to prioritize and work towards it.

I need to realign myself towards the swiftly completing the powerful dissertation and then getting the main goal of my one year here in the UK. This is definitely not to be wasted.

Law of attraction. Law of attraction.

Devastating February

February is the shortest month of the year, and it used to be one of the most anticipated months of all. The reason is fairly simple; it is the month of the Chinese New Year and the spring festival, and it is also the month of expressing love, a.k.a. the Valentines’. The case is different for me thou. I could still recall last year’s CNY and Valentines’ day fall on the same day. Even though I get red packets, but I still feel quite lonely. This year is worse. Here I am in Liverpool, UK, without family members, and without anyone possible to fall in love with. My first day of CNY was quite bizarre. I started the day in a Buddhist temple in Manchester at 12am. Repented about the previous year and prayed for the New Year to come. In coincidence, I was interviewed by the BBC in the temple about the importance of paying a visit to the Buddhist temple in the CNY day. It seems to be a good start of the year. Later in the morning, I think I got a couple hours of sleep, and then I rushed from Manchester to Liverpool because I have a class to attend at 10am. After class from 10 to 5, I then rushed to the restaurant to work for the night shift. I was there very eagerly hoping to get red packets from the bosses, but none did. It seems that giving red packets is not a thing in the restaurant, or in the UK. Red packet means a lot to me. It is a symbol of appreciation and a symbol of getting things done smoothly. With only getting one red packet in the UK from the Buddhist temple, things doesn’t go so well. There were quite a lot of mistakes done at work; there were negligence at work and studies; and there were just quite a few misfortunes. Well, I was quite convinced that it was all because of the red packets. It has already happened anyway. What’s done is done and cannot be changed. What we could do is to ponder upon our previous actions and situation, and correct our mindset so that we don’t do the mistake again. Sometimes, it is just what you allow your brain to perceive. Things like this make me miss home. Miss my previous comfort zones. All these really drifted my mind, body and soul away from the main purpose of coming to the UK. Honestly, I haven’t even plan for the rest of the year yet. Have you? I just had a big shopping spree for groceries which is worth more than £40, and I just did the best ever Nasi Lemak I have ever made. These remedies seems to work for me, at least I think I am getting back on my comfort zone already. It is the second last day of February. I am really glad that February is about to end. Now, I should look forward to study intensively for my Master’s, and look forward the arrival of spring and summer in the UK!

向悲哀說再見

Sometimes, I feel like singing out loud
Sometimes, I feel like torturing myself
Like the best singer on earth where everyone stands and applause after every song
Like the desperate psycho wandering around looking for everything and nothing

I just realize one of my favourite Japanese song was a very popular song in Japan and is sung by a singer who has the same birthday as me!
玉置浩二 Kōji Tamaki -- 悲しみにさよなら 向悲哀說再見

Re-reading the old posts

I happen to read some of my older posts here again. There has been a tremendous growth in me. But all of these experiences are not to be forgotten. Reading them again gives me inspiration to move on. I am really glad I keep a blog. Do you? =D

Quotes to ponder

I was ranting to a dear friend, and he feel dissatisfied with something I said. He remarked, "If people don't pressure you, you won't move." I think he is right. I lack that consistently running engine to rev myself up. This includes many things in live. I need to find some source to keep the engine hot and running!

I was reading a book about human body, and the writer says the following:

腾不出时间睡觉的人，迟早会腾出时间来生病。

-- 吴清忠《人体使用手册》

I have not been having enough sleep. I think it is time for me to sleep now. Good night and sweet dreams!

I 'love' marking papers

I am now (well actually since last month) doing some marking, and I am extreamly bored of doing it! Repetitive, and tiring. I like to mark those which is properly done, but not those which are done half way. Either all or nothing. I hate those which is hanging half way. I like those which is done fully. I think, doing a job fully, correctly, effiently and effectively is very important. I think this is what all need to learn. Should I think of a way to make my way of marking easier or more effective? Well, no time for this. I need to get the marks ready by tomorrow morning. ARGH~~~~!

Body System

I came across this very gross yet meaningful clip about a guy who was injured. His skin and flesh was cut off and exposing his inner organs including throat, intestines and others. This clip was shot in the hospital and he was still alive during the recording. The clip shows the throat's motion when he is breathing, and some of the blood vessel movements.

It was meant to show his will to live on is strong, thus he was still able to survive at that moment. I am not sure how did he ended, but he conveyed a good message. We must have a strong will to live on.

By this, it has crossed my mind that our body actually works as a system. We ought to follow how it works. Sleep, eat, rest, desire...

I think it is time for me to go to bed. =D

Tidying...

My room is cluttered with a lot of unnecessary stuff, such as receipts, old notes, used notebooks and dust. I was thinking to clean up a bit, even at such wee hour.

I wanted to move my desktop system unit from the floor onto the cupboard so I have more leg room and the unit can have more fresh air. I got myself a nice box to keep the unnecessary stuff. I did not start packing until everyone has slept, which is about 2am plus.

I felt a bit sleepy at that moment. But I thought, let me just do it. And so I started to tidy up the mess.

I found a few textbooks, some old photos from my secondary school graduation, graduation book for primary and secondary school, notes, and some memorable items.

It was good to read about the past again. I feel like I have grown up already. But yet, I am still well aware that I have lots of room for improvement. Comparing the comments given by my ex-classmates, I think I am more matured compared to last time. I am feeling good about it.

~~

I did some improvisation on the new teaching technique, and it did work somehow. I should try this more. As I am talking about this, I need to get a whiteboard asap.

Blogging again :)

It has been quite some time since I really sit down and write about my feelings. It just did not cross my mind that I need to write them down. Perhaps, it was because this is in the public domain. Well, I will try to get past that.

It is the school holiday now. I did something which I don't do usually. I took a break.

I went back to my mummy's hometown; I had some extra sleep which I don't get usually; I learnt a lesson or two; I formatted my desktop; I completed some month-long pending task and etc.

Something to share here:

My performance video during the teacher's day.

As with any business letter, you should end appropriately; “Yours sincerely” when you are writing to a named recipient, and “Yours faithfully” when you do not know who will be receiving the letter. ~ http://www.dailywritingtips.com/writing-a-reference-letter-with-examples/

Besides this, I got in touch with my English teacher to ask her for help in some matter regarding English. She did her best to help me. In addition, we shared about our experience in teaching, and she has inspired me to try out new methods in teaching.

I am feeling satisfied. I think it is time to go to bed. I need to wake up real early for a fresh start in the school. Lights out. =D

Bored-1

I am so bored I decided to write this here. Full stop. Dot. Lols. Time to sleep. Dot. Hahahahahhahahahahha. Gaga. Mr Gaga. Gag-ga. Ga. Garena. Bored. Bo-re-duh. Duh damba. La Bamba. Khalil. Whee~ Thanks for reading. Whee~

Negligence

Negligence. It is defined as to pay no attention or too little attention to, or in law, the failure to exercise that degree of care to somebody or something.

Monday's Special - Haze-covered Eyr

It has been my habit of being lazy during the 'long' weekend. True enough, I spent my weekend doing nothing but enjoying the day. I watched Harry Potter 6 in 1U, spent a few tokens in the arcade, played pool, went to night market, had a drink with a special someone. And none of this has pretty much connection of getting my week started properly. Monday morning. I woke up lazily, as usual. Recalling the hard, cold fact that Chalis is no longer my colleague, it just gets me lazier.

Haze Frenzy

Oh dear. People of the Klang Valley has been living in the 'magical' mist air which consists of dust and smoke particles for the past week. All thanks to the great wizard, Indonesia.

Smoke haze in Indonesia's Riau worsens

JAKARTA, July 15 (Xinhua) -- Smoke haze resulted from forest fire in Indonesia's Riau province is getting out of control, the private news portal detikcom reported on Wednesday.

Starting early morning till Wednesday noon, the capital city of Pekanbaru has been in a condition as if it was cloudy. It did not mean that the rain would start to fall. It was just because the sunlight had been blocked by thick smoke.

The Meteorology and Geophysics Agency (BMG) reported that 144 hotspots spread equally in all residences and cities. It was likely that the smoke spread to neighboring areas of Malaysia and Singapore.

Fire also occurred in Pekanbaru downtown with fire ravaging in several empty lands occupied by bushes.

However, the Forestry Minister MS Kaban who recently visited Pekanbaru said that the magnitude of the smoke haze had been exaggerated by national mass media.

A Riau-based non-governmental organization (NGO) expressed its regret upon the minister's statement.

"It is very obvious that fire in Riau is getting worse and out of control. We see fire everywhere," said the Director of Tropika,an NGO, Harijal Jalil.

Tropika's data showed that the forest fire was not only caused by people. Timber companies and palm plantations also contributed to the fire.

SMKB will be holding a marathon tomorrow. Poor SMKBians will not only have to endure the 5KM long and winding path, but also the magically blinding and choking mist air.

Hope: The air gets cleaner soon, since I need my exercise in the outdoor. (I don't have a gym membership)

Nasty Hope: Government declares holidays!

Harvesting Mushrooms

Wow. It has been a long time since I came here. I know there is a lot of you have complaint to me that mushrooms are sprouting as if it just rained. I shall declare today as the harvest day!

Oh yes.　I should really keep this running so I won't be complaint by the visitors again. You know who you are. ;)

Tarot

I got my best friend to do a tarot reading for me. I was intrigued by the result. It was amazingly accurate.

There is a series of things happening to me and my work, and other related things as well. I have got too engrossed with my work at a point it has influenced my life. But I have not done enough at my work. I could do much better than this. I could be a better person.

I must change my methods, my attitude and myself for the better me, and for a better workplace.

PS: A post a day might solve my need for a psychologist. LOL!

Valentine's

I have just done watching a movie about how a dad feels when his beloved daughter gets married. The distraught about wedding cost, the worries about wedding progress, the fears about losing his daughter, and the reluctance of letting his daughter go. At the end of the story, the dad did not get to dance with the daughter, nor kiss her… The father and daughter did not have any interaction after the church ceremony, even though they were looking for each other.

I still remember the father's satisfaction when he was looking at the 200-person dining hall, his daughter smiling at her greatest to her friends, his wife and his kids having fun, and he thought, “I could say that the wedding party is a success, and I would be happier if I get to dance with my daughter.”

As soon as his thought finishes, it was the time where the bride throws the wedding bouquet, and get ready to take off to Hawaii for honeymoon. The father thought, “I must get to see her.” Thus he took a shortcut to where she throws the bouquet. The shortcut was full of obstacle, and he missed the last chance to see her, dance with her, kiss her before she leaves the house for good. He missed it.

After the wedding party is over, he and his wife sat in a corner of the empty party-aftermath living room, resting and feeling blank. He puts on some soulful music, and at the same time the phone rang. His daughter called. She said, “Dad, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you. Thanks mum for everything. And dad, I love you very much!”

This call was very significant to him. This call filled most of his emptiness in his heart for not being able to say goodbye to her before she left. He smiled at his wife after the call. He asked his wife for a dance at the soulful music. They danced intimately, in the beautiful, wedding-theme house.

Actually, I watched the movie alone at home. Everyone was sleeping already. I wanted someone to be there to watch the movie with me. I hunger for someone to love. Perhaps it was because of Valentine’s day is approaching, perhaps it was because of Khalil Fong’s love ballads which I fell in love with recently, perhaps I got sick of being single, and I am ready to fall in love again.

My loved one, where would you be?

I wish all couples will have a great Valentine’s day, and everyday would be a Valentine’s day for you!

Journey

What is a journey?

A journey is not a trip.

It is not a vacation.

It is a process. A discovery.

It is a process of self discovery.

A journey brings us face to face to ourselves.

Journey shows us not only the world, but how we fit in it.

Does the person creates a journey, or does the journey creates a person?

The journey is life itself.

Where will life take you?

- Louis Vuitton

Some random thoughts

I was taking the second last train back home from KL Sentral Station and was listening to some very comforting ballads. When I looked out the opened doors of the train, I saw the famous landmark in Kuala Lumpur, the Twin Tower KLCC. For a moment, I felt glad being in KL, back to warm climate, back to dressing normal tees and shorts, back to food haven, back to a place I am familiar with, and back home. But as I got home, it has been a very lame fortnight (Yea, I am home for half a month already. Time flies.).

Well, perhaps I was giving excuses to myself. I took about a week to get used to the time zone difference – a.k.a. jet lags and my new spectacles. I lazed around at home, went out meeting friends and spending money for another week. Lame huh? I have no idea why, but I have been kind of running away from the mess I left behind before I left for UK, from my unpacked luggage, from those picture proofs which I needed to sort out either to put it online for you to view or print it out to show, from things I need to do, from things needing my attention… AH! There is just so much to worry about, and home didn’t seem like a place which provokes me to work on what is pending.

Perhaps my room is too small, everything is cluttered and messy! Every time I sit down facing my table, I tend to stare at my messy and cluttered laptop to get online and in touch with friends and random people. There is just so much mess in my room that I chose to look away from these and just be a lotus eater. But every time when I went out, go to friends’ house, or visit the mall, or go to some spacious places, or even a very clean and neat room, I will want my room to be that. But as I think of how messy it is, I feel very stressed and lazy to clean it.

I have no idea why I think this way, perhaps I miss UK, miss the freedom and independence, miss the chilly weather, miss my friends in UK, or am I just feeling empty and lonely? I have no idea…

Procrastination? NOOOO!!! I don’t want to be defeated by it again! Those who know me well know this has been affecting me ever since. I still can’t kick it, yet…

I was working with my dad a few days ago, we chatted and he told me something. He said, many says his tools such as carpentry and gardening tools is very effective and sharp, it’s because he did maintenance on his tools, spent time to sharpen and oil them before putting them back to where it belongs.

As a very famous Chinese saying goes, “工欲善其事，必先利其器”, which means to get work done efficiently, tools must be sharpened first. Yes, most people do know how to work on this, but how many would want to sharpen their tools after work? Not that I know of any.

What most do is that, they only sharpen tools as required. The tools might be so blunt and ineffective that one might take one whole working day just to sharpen it. At the end of the day, no job is done. Why? It is because the whole day has been spent on sharpening the tools. Lesson - sharpen your tools after every time or most of the time you have used it to keep it in best condition for an efficient job.

*to be continued*

Diary of Oct 09

9th of October; it is 3 o’clock in the morning. I woke up suddenly, not because of alarms or bad dreams, I guess it was heat. The portable, old-fashioned heater was switched on to heat the air, and it indirectly heated my bed as well. My stomach was full as well, of the foot long subway sandwich I ate last night as dinner-cum-supper. I got up and turned off the heater, got back into the bed. It felt cooler already. Still, I couldn’t keep my eyes shut and get into sleep mode. As I look out the window, I saw stars glittering above the clear sky.

This is the 11th night, and most likely the last night I am in this old restaurant. According to the owner, Mr Colin Perry, the restaurant is about 25 years old, older than me. After being vacant for 4 months, I came here and became the temporary guard of the restaurant.

It was a mutual thing. I watch the restaurant for him, and he gives me a place to stay for these few days, no food supplies though, but I am happy enough to save a lot of money.

Throughout the period staying here, nothing much really happened. Well, probably some mishaps here and there, but it was bearable. One major thing did happen. There was a false fire alarm.

It was a Sunday night, the night of 5th October. It was the night where I had plans arranged for tomorrow, and I headed to bed early to get up early. I even slept without turning on the music. For all other days I couldn’t really sleep without the music, because it would be too quiet. Too quiet. No sound of insects, no sound of fan, no sound of air-conditioner, no sound of nothing, besides passing vehicles. Just for this day, I went to bed without music. I do not know what happened to my mind, it wandered into the restaurant, and had a vision of a fire in the restaurant. I have kind of ignored it, and went into sleep mode.

I was jolted up by loud fire alarms installed in all the rooms in restaurant. I looked at the time; it was a few minutes to 1 am. Oh goodness, what triggered the alarm at this time of the day? I immediately called Mr Perry and informed him about the alarm, and I investigated the whole restaurant for fire. I looked everywhere, but I do not see or feel any heat.

One of the LEDs of the fire alarm panel was flashing. I looked at it and it says the triggered alarm is somewhere near the room I was sleeping at. It was really spooky. I tried to silence the alarm but I wasn’t able to do so. I went to the room and wore my jacket, my tartan scarf, grabbed my phone, my keys and got out of the restaurant to wait for Mr Perry to save the night. The neighbour restaurant heard the fire alarm as well, I saw them peeking out of the window to satisfy their curiosity. I wanted to shout to them, ‘It’s not me! Don’t call the fire brigade!’ but I decided not to. I kept quiet, and stood in front of the restaurant. At that time, I was seriously hoping that the fire brigade not to come. They would really further spoil the night which is already so spoilt, as they will need to do examinations and all the questionings. No-no.

As I have nothing to do while waiting, I looked around. The dark woodland gives me somewhat a creep, and I am so not looking into them. I looked up at the sky instead. To my surprise, a hole was formed in the clouds directly above the restaurant, clearly revealing millions of stars in the universe. It was amazing. I have never felt so fascinated about what has happened. I do not have the right word to describe my feeling at that moment. But the feeling was soon over due to the noise made by the false fire alarm, and the chilly wind which was blew on me.

After I was distracted by the alarm and the chilly wind, the hole in the sky seems to be closed by the clouds nearby. The hole was disappearing. Then I heard a car drove in the driveway of the restaurant. Thank goodness it was Mr Perry. Mr Perry says it is too late for an investigation, what he wanted to do was to silence the alarm. So am I. After some manual browsing, I managed to silence the alarm. He was relieved that the alarm was silenced; it was a major relief for me too.

We had a small chat after that, as he noticed that I was unsettled even when the alarm is silenced. I told him about what I have observed and witnessed, he was surprised and fascinated as well. I told him too about the déjà vu I have experienced at some places in the UK, such as the hostel in Exeter, the University and some other places. It was like I had dreamt about them few months back, but I know I had been there.

He told me that I might be gifted with precognition ability. Well, it might be true, but I don’t think so. He even joked that I should make use of the ability to get lottery numbers! If I knew how to manipulate them, I am a rich and happy man already. Naw, even if I do know how to manipulate them to get the numbers, I won’t buy it most probably. It breaches the written path. Unless it came to me, that is a different story.

He noticed I was feeling better already, and it was late. I wanted to ask him if it was OK for me to overnight at his house, but I didn’t, because I don’t really want to disturb him and his family. He left the house after the chat, and assured me that the alarm will not go off again, and that he is just a phone call away if anything happened. I really appreciate him of doing that, but the thought of having the vision of a fire and triggered the fire alarm is really unsettling.

I have no idea what to do after he left. My first reaction was to call home and talk to my mother about what had happened. With over 150 minutes of free international talk time left in my phone, I called home straight away.

My sister picked up the phone, and told me that mum was not around as she was out for breakfast. I was surprised that she was up so early, because it was only 10 minutes to 9 am. I told her about it. I felt much better after that. Mum came back after that, and we chatted about it as well, and we discussed about our next trip to Canton in the coming Chinese New Year. I really felt much better after that. In fact, I am glad that I have such a loving family. I went to sleep after that by listening to Janice’s soulful ‘Day and Night’ album. The next day, I got an antique portable heater from Mr Perry, which kept me warm for the last few nights I am around.

It was the stars which glittered in the sky made me wrote this down, and since I was unable to sleep well, this has been a past time for me to stay awake until 5:30am. I need to catch a 5:59am train to London Victoria to catch an 8am bus to Liverpool.

Hell yea, you are right. I am off to travel again. It is a big plan as well, but this time it was meant for relax and less of backpacking. I will be in Liverpool and Manchester for 9th and 10th of October, then I will fly to Prague, Czech Republic with Rachel and a couple (mind you, me and Rachel is just friends) for 3 days 2 nights, and fly back to London Midlands, near Derby.

I will head to Nottingham alone for visiting purposes on the next day then catch a 3:30pm train back to London St Pancras. I would probably head to my new ‘harbour’ which is a friend’s house in East London for a quick rest and dinner, then I will head to London Victoria again to catch a bus to London Stansted Airport at 10:30pm.

I will overnight at the airport... (to be continued)